


101 Ways Not to Figure Out a Triwizard Clue

by killerkittens22



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Destruction, Don't Try This At Home, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, For Science!, Friendship, Gen, Hermione is more dangerous than she pretends to be, Hogwarts Fourth Year, Humor, Lists, Not Canon Compliant, Ron and Harry are bros, Stress Relief, This was based off of my many ideas to destroy old flipphones, Triwizard Tournament, but also idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:27:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24332065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killerkittens22/pseuds/killerkittens22
Summary: WARNING: Do not try this at home.What if Harry had been a little bit more devoted to figuring out his egg?
Relationships: Hermione Granger & Harry Potter & Ron Weasley
Comments: 3
Kudos: 81





	1. Spoiler alert it's only 72 ways

"Oh, go on, Hermione. Just one little flame spell?"

"Yeah! It won't hurt it, you figured out that much. We've been looking in books for hours!"

Hermione chewed her lip thoughtfully and looked at the egg in front of them.

"Well..."

The two boys leaned in closer hopefully.

"I suppose it couldn't hurt. And statistically speaking study breaks improve comprehension."

Ron cheered.

"Yes! Exactly! And you never know, maybe we'll come up with something while we fling spells at it."

Hermione gasped and leapt up.

"Ron! you're exactly right!" Ron looked slightly baffled. "We could have been looking at this all wrong! Maybe it responds to external stimuli! We'll need to throw everything we have at it. Just to be sure."

That was how it started.

* * *

101 Ways Not to Solve a Triwizard Clue

1\. 1000 degree flames spells, while exciting, will only singe your eyebrows and earn the eternal ire of Hermione Granger and her hair.

(Ronald! I will not just cut the rest off!)

2\. 1000 degree flaming swords are not much better, and Professor McGonagall does not consider this an acceptable use of school property.

(I'm sorry Mr. Potter, but you cannot take weapons from the suits of armor 'Because no one is using them.'"

3\. Diffindo's should be used with caution and careful aim.

(Well, your hair matches now, Hermione)

4\. Lumos spells don't work.

(What the hell, Hermione!

I wanted to see if it responded to light!

So you decided to blind me?)

5\. It will survive a washer/dryer cycle.

(Hogwarts has washers?

How did you think our clothes got clean, Harry?

I dunno, magic?)

6\. Freezing charms and purebloods do not always mix well.

(We should never have told him about 'A Christmas Story'. Stop struggling, Ron, you'll just have to wait for your tongue to get unstuck.)

7\. Gold is, in fact, highly conductive.

(I didn't know your hair could stand on end more than it already does, Harry)

8\. Explosions should be attempted outside.

(It was a rubbish suit of armor anyways! Didn't even have a sword.)

9\. Cannons should be used under adult supervision.

(Miss Granger, why did a Triwizard clue come crashing through my window which is on the 5th floor?

It was just a PVC pipe cannon, Professor, my Dad taught me how to make one.)

10\. As should catapults.

(When I said 'find some other means of launching valuable Triwizard clues like projectiles' I did not mean it literally. We just replaced that window.)

11\. It does not make a terribly good bowling ball.

(Didn't expect it to anyways. Still, who knew Malfoy would trip over it?)

12\. Or a football

(Don't look so pained, Harry, what did you expect? It's made of gold!)

13\. Easter egg painting is a stress relieving, but ultimately futile activity.

(Why is there a large penis sharpied on your egg, Potter?

It's a long story, Professor Snape, we expected it to wash off! All the other paint did.)

14\. Triwizard clues are untransfigurable.

(Hmm, did you know gold reflects Transfiguration spells, Hermione?

No, but Malfoy looks better like this anyways.)

15\. Ghosts cannot play catch with it.

(Being a Triwizard champion does not mean you can chuck that through whatever you want, Mr. Potter! How many windows will I have to replace?)

16\. Peeves can play catch with it.

(Hogwartz iz a very strange place. I zink I just saw ze polturgeist wiv a large egg that had a peniz drawn onto it.)

17\. Hippogriffs also play catch, but only with each other.

(Woah, what a shot!

Harry! Help me carry Ron!)

18\. You should probably check for people in the line of fire before playing shot put.

(You're not very good at shot put, are you Harry? Mrs. Norris will probably be fine.)

19\. Putting wings on it will not improve your situation.

(Ron! You can't just spew spells at random without knowing how they will combine.

Hey, at least it's stopped screaming 'Start the Revolution!' at anyone wearing shoes or sitting in chair.

But it's now giving wings to all the apples in the Great Hall.

Nobody's perfect.)

20\. Nor will giving invisibility.

(Harry why did you put your invisibility cloak on it?

You were the one who said we should 'test everything')

21\. Hair Growing spells work especially well on it.

(This is fascinating! It's grown at least twice the amount of hair the spell usually produces!

You know how to reverse it, right?

Yes. Probably. It looks very pretty in braids doesn't it?)

22\. Hair Growth Reversal spells do not work so well.

(It's pink and sparkly.

As you said, Ronald, nobody's perfect.)

23\. It's not a bad chip bowl.

(You know, ignoring the endless screaming, this thing is pretty handy.)

24\. Whacking it with a book doesn't work.

(Ron, if there is a single scuff on my copy of Hogwarts: A History you will never see the light of day!)

25\. It is, actually, transfigurable.

(Hey! The wings are gone!

Yes, Harry, because fangs are sooo much better.)

26\. It does not eat, do not feed it.

(Why is there a golden egg being violently sick in Hagrid's garden, Harry?

I figured since it had a mouth?)

27\. Screaming back at it louder does nothing.

(Wow Ginny might be louder than Mum.)

28\. Sleeping spells are hit or miss.

(Well, Hermione probably needed the sleep.)

29\. Potions can have unpredictable effects.

(I have to admit, ignoring the hair and drawing of a dick, it's quite cute with a tail. I'm just glad the fangs are gone.)

30\. Luna Lovegood is an unpredictable variable in any experiment.

(The dick glows now?)

31\. Flamingos do not react favorably to its presence.

(As impressed as I am by your conjuration of 100 flamingos, Miss Granger, I had hoped for a little more foresight on your part.)

32\. Conditioner has no effect.

(Harry, you could have used Lavender's conditioner!

As least it's smooth and silky now?)

33\. Bathing it in the blood of your enemies is recommended for stress relief only.

(Um, Harry?

Relax, it's just cornstarch, water, and food coloring, with just a little bit of Malfoy's blood.

Where the hell did you get Malfoy's blood!?)

34\. Occult rituals remain untested, but not recommended.

(I draw the line at ancient sex rituals, Harry.

It was just a thought!)

35\. Time turners are better left for other uses.

(Do I want to know how you got that, Hermione?

Probably not.)

36\. It should not be used for tongue-in-cheek references.

(Out for a stroll with the old Ball and Chain, Professor?

Potter! Remove this from me at once!)

37\. It is a surprisingly good date to the Yule Ball.

(Should it have a tux or a dress? On the one hand it has braids. On the other hand it has a dick.)

38\. Locomotion charms are, luckily, reversible.

(At least Crookshanks was entertained.)

39\. Scent-based charms last _much_ longer than usual.

(Tuna, Hermione?

I use it for Crookshank's toys!)

40\. Sending it to the Minister of Magic probably won't help.

(Mr. Potter, why is there an article in the Daily Prophet about your attempted assassination on the Minister?

No idea, Professor)

41\. Axes are inadvisable due to the nature of hitting a round object very hard with something straight.

(Your lucky you didn't lose your head! Not that it would have been much of a loss, clearly.)

42\. Hammers are only marginally better.

(Where did you even get a sledgehammer, Harry?)

43\. Chainsaws are a bit of a no-no.

(Dobby, please never give these two idiots a chain saw again. Even if they ask for one.)

44\. So are shotguns.

(What. The. Fuck.

Dobby said that there was a ton of cool stuff in the Come and Go Room!)

45\. Rolling it down a hill is cooler with a dramatic backing track.

(There's something very satisfying about watching something roll down a hill- WOAH!

Hmm, he's right.)

46\. One is advised to use extreme caution when dealing with homemade blenders.

(Hey, Hermione. Next time lets not unleash your spinning bladed death trap.

Relax, Ron, Madame Pomfrey can reattach your finger.)

47\. Blast Ended Skrewts are danger to society, not to your egg.

(Flee! Flee for your lives!)

48\. It is remarkably impervious to Basilik venom.

(It must be Goblin-made! It absorbed the venom!

Does that mean it's deadly to touch?

I've no idea!)

49\. Selfies are a must.

(It didn't reveal it's secrets, but it photographs quite well. The glittery pink is charming.)

50\. Use as an archery target is recommended for skilled archers only.

(Poor Fang.

It was only his tail!)

51\. Unicorns find braids incredibly offensive.

(Wow! I've never seen a unicorn so aggressive before!

That's lovely, Hermione. A little help!)

52\. As do spiders.

(On second thought, perhaps going to the spider copse was a little shortsighted.)

53\. Try not to just chuck it at Ludo Bagman.

(Ooh, that's gotta hurt.)

54\. Don't feed it to a goat.

(Who knew that enlarging charms on a goat's jaw would be permanent?

I think I'll call him, mouthy.)

55\. It makes for a good game of pinata.

(Have we gone over every form of blunt-force trauma yet?)

56\. Phoenix tears do not react particularly well with Basilik venom.

(So, the smoking isn't good, but on the bright side if we nick ourselves on the edge we shouldn't immediately die.)

57\. Phoenix fire is not a magically inert substance.

(It only bursts into flames a couple seconds an hour, we just have to be careful!)

58\. Black holes should remain theoretical.

(Ummm, Hermione? How about you take a few deep breaths and go take a nap?)

59\. Getting drunk in it's proximity is fun, but useless.

(H-Harry, ur like soooo nice, and Ron! ROn is pretty, don't you think u r pretty Ron?)

60\. Banishing it to the Shadow Realm should be undertaken with care.

(Harry.

Yes?

Do you know how long it takes to get something back after it's been vanished?

Sorry, Hermione.)

61\. Accio is a fun and dangerous charm.

(It serves you right, you know. Now stop squirming, I can fix your nose.)

62\. Carving into a magical artifact should only be attempted by professionals.

(Owwwww. Is the world spinning? I think it's spinning.)

63\. Please sanitize your egg if you resort to peeing on it.

(Well, anything?

I mean, it's wet now.)

64\. Putting your egg in magical glue will make it sticky.

(Is there some sort of solvent? Or will we just have to carve a piece out of Harry's arse?)

65\. Why do you want to bake it into a pie.

(Hermione, relax, this is literally the elves' job.

It's not a job! They aren't getting paid!)

66\. Tea cozies make nice egg sweaters.

(Your knitting has gotten better. Good thing the fire wore off.)

67\. Dog slobber has no known effect.

(Should we be worried about Fang? This egg has had a lot happen to it.)

68\. Putting it in race car will inevitably cause destruction.

(How did you get an RC car to work?

How did _you_ get an RC car to explode?)

69\. It is not Santa.

(We dropped it down the chimney.

And?

It's covered in soot.

I'll mark that off the list.)

70\. It does not startle easily.

(BOO!!!

Oh good job, Harry, I think it flinched.)

71\. Attack by owl is inevitable but unhelpful

(I still think Hedwig won that fight.

It's not a fight if the egg isn't fighting back.)

72\. Dropping it off Gryffindor tower is a last resort.

(It made a nice thunk noise.

Kind of like my body will if we don't figure this out Hermione!

That barely made sense.)


	2. How It Ended

Ron looked down at the egg in front of them. It was painted bright, glittery pink and boasted a long tail as well as a sharpied drawing of a dick and a long braid of oddly human hair. As he watched it let out a small puff of smoke and burst into flames for several seconds.

"I think we've tried everything mate. Let's just play some quidditch, get our minds off things, yeah?"

Harry nodded gratefully, "Yeah, I'll grab my broom. What do you reckon this makes a good quaffle?"

Ron laughed and replied, "I reckon we can find out."

They had played for about half an hour when, while reaching out to catch it, the egg slipped through Harry's fingers and landed with a splash in the lake below.

"Fuck"

Harry stared at the depths of the Black Lake frantically.

"It fell in the shallows, I bet we can reach it!"

Harry and Ron both searched underwater for several minutes.

"Ron, you've gotta hear this!"

He pulled Ron under with a splash. They both resurfaced several minutes later grinning triumphantly.

"Wait till Hermione hears this! Quidditch solves everything."

Deep in Hogwart's Library Hermione Granger felt a chill go down her spine.


End file.
